textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
