this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
