Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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