yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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