my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
