i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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