I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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