If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
