I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
well you can't waste a boner
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
