he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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