Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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