does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
