Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
