I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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