I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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