You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Found the puke drawer
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
