Barsexuality is the new black.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
