When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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