Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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