How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Damn victory sex feels great
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
