I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
