as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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