when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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