I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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