I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
