I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
