He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
