I showed him my bush... on skype.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
