remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
