you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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