Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
