I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
