i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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