I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
