I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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