after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
