Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize