Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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