i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Randomize
