Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
