i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
