Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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