I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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