doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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