They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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