I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
