Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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