I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
