The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
