You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
