My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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