he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
